Leave the cookies.

Ok, obviously that lunch thing didn't work out.

It is 2:47 A.M. and I can not sleep. 

Certain things have been bothering me, and those certain things I can't mention out loud, I can't ever mention anything out loud for fear that it will hurt someone.

Someone said something that really hurt my feelings, and it wasn't even pointed toward me. They said, someone with a music degree will never go far in life, and they blatantly knew that I was going for a music degree.  I mean, honestly, tact. 4 letter word. Look it up, ok? 

My step-mother is still a desperate housewife. 

My father still looks at me like he abandoned me, and he's trying his best to make it okay.

My brothers still look at my like an alien, and I still see myself as a failure.

When will that stop? When will I be able to see myself as something other than someone who never went to college until she was supposed to be finishing? As someone other than a person who just works at a grocery store, even if I like it, and the people I work with? 

I'd like, just once, just one god damn time, to be happy with who I am. Why is that always so hard?

I'd like the grant-a-wish foundation to grant my wish. I want to be happy with me.

Just me.

Only me.

Make it happen. 

Understanding..

So, last night I was closing at work. There is always a security guard at our store, it's great. This time, it was a lady, which there is never a lady cop in the store, and she was so cool! She talked to me, help put away carts, because that job can be kinda boring, gotta find something to pass the time, and we were talking during closing, and she's been through a lot! A lot of discrimination, being a hispanic woman cop, double hitter, you know? I can understand how that's gotta be really hard. You know? Anyways, so she was discriminated a lot, but she's still really strong, and really awesome. I don't know, she was kinda.... inspiring? i know how cheesy that sounds, sorry. Haha.

Anyways, so she walked me to my car and everything. It was really nice. Haha.

Anywhoo..

So, lately I've been feeling a little strange, because, I'm on the pills for my thyroid, to help get better, but they haven't kicked in yet, but i'm feeling the symptoms from it. Which is really confusing, because, they're working, but not, working at the same time just yet. Really annoying.

I've decided I'll write in this blog everyday at work, during lunch, which is what I'm doing now.

Anyways, so, my mom went to the doctor two days ago, and they said they would call me once they figured out what was wrong with her, have they called yet? NOOOPEEE.. Thanks, jerks. Drives me crazy, because, she said her heart was hurting, and the right arm was fallen asleep, so makes me wonder if it was like a heart attack, or what!

This isn't supposed to be a great written poetic blog, sorry, just a bunch of thoughts going through my head.

Have a good day, if you read this.<3

Sometimes I feel like I want something that is so far away, all the time.

I just want to ask them stuff, I shouldn't.
I just want to feel things, I can't.

it's everything

Happy Thanksgiving.

Today I am surrouding myself with people who love each other and themselves. Today is a good day. I miss my mom though. She called and left a message this morning, so I call her back and leave a message, she calls me back, I'm in the shower, I call her back, and she doesn't answer. I'm afraid she is going to give up and not call back anymore. I hate her for what she is doing to her life, and what she did to mine, but I can't help but be angry because this is my first Thanksgiving without my mom. It was my first Halloween without my mom. And, now we are coming up on Christmas without my mom. I'm not sure what to do, what to think. Maybe I'm just really being a big baby.

I want a hug today. Right now. I feel so alone surrounded by this family that feels like a loaner family.